A Day in the Life of a Braves/Suns/Vikings Fan

John Smoltz, 3,000th strikeout came in the second inning of today's game. At the age of 53, this man DEALS. I can honestly say, in all my years on earth, that I have never seen a more effective slider. He is now one of sixteen to reach this monumental mark, and the only pitcher in history to have over 200 wins and 150 saves. The only way this man is not first ballot hall-of-famer is if he bets on his team, drinks an HGH cocktail on camera, injects steroids into his wife, watches his trainer inject his wife with steroids, then invites henry waxman over and lets his trainer inject steroids into him and his wife at the same time, later forcing Waxman to inject himself with an HGH/steroid hybrid at gunpoint.

So how do the Braves repay a man who allows 1 earned run and 3 hits, while fanning a total of 10 herbs? Oh, they get shutout.

Now I understand that Bobby Cox is an excellent manager and what have you, but why are you starting ALL OF YOUR LEFTIES against a left-hander, a day following your successful execution in bringing your lefties off the bench against a left-hander with similar stuff? Kelly Johnson, aside from not being able to hit lefties worth a lick, has a superior, faster lead-off hitter behind him in the young Martin Prado. This kid essentially owns lefties, is a better defensive second-baseman, and gives you versatile speed at the top of the order. Na, sit him. I like that Kelly kid.


The Suns were confident going into game 2, considering themselves the "better team." Stretching the lead to 14 in the early second quarter, it looked as though they were on their way. Well maybe it looked that way to many, but to an honest Suns fan, it was obviously too good to be true.

End of 1st half - Amare Stoudemire - 25 points, 9/11 shooting, 3 rebounds
End of 3rd quarter - Amare Stoudemire - 25 points, 9/19 shooting, 0 rebounds
End of 4th quarter - Amare Stoudemire - 33 points, 13/25 shooting, 4 rebounds

Amare has been my favorite player for a couple of years now, an almost impossible blend of raw athleticism, body control, and work ethic. When he went down for a season with microfracture surgery, he worked on his mid-range jumper and free throws to the tune of 80% from the line and 50+% from the outside, and seemingly did not lose an ounce of athleticism.

What he didn't work on was his mental game. I am not going to say he is terrible at on-ball defense like every other analyst, because he is not. He is actually a very affective on-the-ball defender...the problem is he is never on-the-mother-fucking-ball. I have never seen a player look more lost on the court in his matchups. Amare roams the court, flashing out on screens juuuust enough to not affect the shot AND lose his man.

His other issue: boxing out
I don't care how many fucking high schools this 22 year old no college rookie went to - I learned how to box out in middle school. There is a reason why he tips the ball out of bounds when opponents miss the second free throw. This is also the reason why a shooting guard (Udoka) gets Amare to tip the ball out of bounds on a missed shot attempt. Amare is never in position to box out, and even when he is, he jumps. Put a FUCKING body on someone. Clapping and saying "my bad" is about as affective as trying to make a salient societal commentary with this.

Maybe, just maybe, this has something to do with coaching, or lack thereof. Na, D'antoni is a former coach of the year! Why would he need to teach the fundamentals it takes to win basketball games/titles/beat the Spurs/play anything like the Spurs in the clutch/not embarrass yourselves in the third quarter? One reason would be the general goal of paying these nitwits millions of dollars, but sometimes I forget that goal with all the bullshit that occurs on the court.

I understand that he's an offensive freak, and i've defended him for so long, but I just can't do it anymore. NO POINTS IN THE THIRD QUARTER? This is because Amare disappears, period. I was listening to Mike and the Mad Dog this morning, and when the topic of Amare came up i quickly tried to drown myself in the bathwater, failing after about 15 seconds, rising quickly as the water poured onto my bathmat. Solution? Hid the bathmat, but later, after listening to Mad Dog explain completely fairly why Amare "bothers him." Formerly I would argue and stick up for the kid. But the fact is that he's not a kid anymore. MVP candidate? Play that calibur of basketball in meaningful games, for the WHOLE game. Sadly, I am starting to believe that I will never see that from him.

Just look at the stat line STAT.



Speaking of stats, I know of a certain NEW MINNESOTA VIKING who would certainly live up to Amare's self-created lie of a nickname...

WELCOME TO MINNESOTA YOU QUARTERBACK/ALCOHOL/DUI POUNDING MONSTER

The Star Tribune is reporting that we have finalized a deal with the Chiefs, in which we would send our 1st and two third round picks in this weekends draft to acquire this 26 year-old stud.

One shot for Chilly
Two shots for Ziggy

Boy are these two really laying out the road to the Superbowl, almost as readily as the good 'ole Minnesota legislative powers that be are laying out the carpet for a new stadium...

I don't really need to say much about Allen, but I will say that ever since the beat down he put on our O-line in week 3, i've been dreaming (mostly wet) about the prospect of trading for him. I honestly think this makes our line, regardless of the rotating under-achievers on the other end, absolutely beastly. Williams & Williams will be accounting for their usual 3 clients, leaving yer girl JA with a one-on-one matchup. Yes, all that will exist between him and the opposing quarterback is some sort of oaf and perhaps a shifty young athletic running back whose D1-AA coach never felt the need to teach blocking in their Nebraska style offense.



The irony of this night is that I received a "we got JA!!!!" text from a fellow Bar-None-Ian just as the Suns were rounding the 7 minute mark of the third quarter without a basket, and about an hour after I watched the Braves squander 1 of their 162. How is this ironic? It's not, it just fucking coincidence. Being a fan means you have to deal with this, as well as this, and this, as well as this, and this, as well as this, and i'll take either with passion any day of the week.